Updated: Nov 9, 2019
Hitting rock bottom really sucks...I mean really sucks.
Once you really know how horribly wrong things can go it can do two things. It will either ignite a change so deep that it rewrites your DNA or you will wallow in self pity only being able to see more problems.
Thankfully in my case it was one of the best things that happened to me. Well what happened you might ask?
Drugs...a whole damn lot of them. Xanax, cocaine, oxycontin, percocet, adderall, klonopin, mdma, morphine, acid, and mushrooms. Honestly I don't know how I am still alive but I sure am thankful.
I didn't just start out going 100 mph It was a gradual slide. One thing lead to the next thing and so forth. The stronger the drugs the less I felt. A slippery and treacherous slope...
I remember there were times that I was snorting so much cocaine and oxycontin together it's amazing my heart didn't explode. Why would anyone do this to themselves?
To numb my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I hated myself. How I looked, how i felt, and the way I thought. I just didn't like my self or who I was. I had no direction. Drugs were great I thought...FINALLY I did not have to feel those shitty feelings anymore. Unfortunately the more you do these damned things the more your tolerances go up.
I remember one time I took 4 xanax bars and was high for 15m. To give you an idea of how ridiculous that is somebody with no tolerances could take a 1/4 of one and be knocked on their ass. I didn't know why I was doing this to myself I just loved being high. I loved the escape from myself.
Did I know that doing drugs was going to lead to a far worse situation then what I've written so far...NOPE. If you would have told me where this was going to end I would have laughed at you. Ha not me!
How could it get worse though? "Nothing is going to happen to me." Looking back I am not proud of this but I am thankful things got worse. I doubt I would be where I am today if things had not slide further into the abyss. I'll save the rest for my next post...
Why do we sometimes walk down roads that we know lead absolutely nowhere?
We become hell bent to arrive at a dead end! Thankfully everything has a season.